July 1, 2021

I Write Seinfeld: The NFT

george constanza bobbling head to answering machine song

During the NFT peaks and highs, I got the bug to write a Seinfeld episode. Never got to finish it, maybe I’ll eventually.

If you come across this and finish - feel free to let me know 🙃.


George buys NFT art from a rising artist, hoping to flip it when the value peaks. Soon after purchasing, the artist is at the center of controversy and is canceled. The value of the NFT then begins to plummet.

Jerry starts losing stand-up gigs to Kenny Bania, whose material now revolves around cryptocurrencies. With his newfound fame in the space, Bania starts minting jokes as NFTs, allowing him to start his own blockchain and currency. Jerry declares Bania a hack and tries to reclaim his gig spots with new material related to current trends.

Elaine is assigned to learn how to start a new cryptocurrency by Peterman, as the J Peterman Company is on the verge of bankruptcy. The company’s business model collapses due to consumers shifting their demand to casual work-from-home clothing.

Kramer and Newman tries to stockpile cheap crypto currencies after learning that Bob Sacamano had bought 100 bitcoins at a cheap price 10 years earlier. The two decide to invest in Bania’s new cryptocurrency.

[Seinfeld Theme Variation #1423 plays]

[Scene #1]

[Scene begins in Jerry’s apartment]

George: I’m thinking about investing in this crypto-currency thing.”

Jerry: [Looks over from pouring himself a bowl of cereal] What?”

George [with shaken confidence]: Uh… you know Bitcoin, Jerry, Bitcoin! It’s been gaining…. up and UP!”

Jerry: Now why would you want to get involved in something like that?”

George: It’s like the stock market, Jerry, stocks!”

[Kramer bursts into Jerry’s apartment, with a peeled banana in hand]

[Laugh track plays]

Kramer: [Claps] Hey! What are you fellas up to?”

Jerry: George is trying to get into crypto-currency…like Bitcoin.”

Kramer: Oooohh, yeah, yeah. You know Bob Sacamano bought some Bitcoin about 10 years ago, last time I checked with him they’re worth only $50, tops. [Makes distinct pop noise and ends with a cynical grin]”

George: They’re about $50,000 per coin now.”

Kramer: [Throws head in a backward motion] Yeee-OOOWW!!”

[Kramer, recomposing himself places his right hand on his head and left hand on his hips, with a inquisitive look]

Kramer: Bob Sacamano asked Newman and me if we wanted to get in on some of the action. [Gesturing to Jerry] You remember Jerry.”

Jerry: You didn’t know! It was worthless back then, you tried to explain to me how it works, it made no sense. No sense!”

Kramer: Jerry, think about all of the money I lost out on! I could’ve been a billionaire, or maybe even [changes voice into a mouse-like welp] ….a trillionaire.”

[Buzzer sounds]

[Jerry motions to answer]

Jerry: [Pressing button] Yeah?”

Voice on intercom: It’s Elaine.”

[Jerry presses door buzzer and opens door apartment door ajar]

[Jerry walks back to kitchen counter]

[Jerry looks over to George and Kramer, both sitting on the couch, deep in thought]

Jerry: [Scoffing] Oooohhh, what are you two thinking? This is just a trend. It’ll pass, you guys are better off sticking to the stock market.”

[Kramer perks up]

Kramer: [In a tone thats mixed patronizing and condescending] Jerry, this is the future we’re talking about. Nobody wants to carry paper and metal coins”clinking-and-clanging” in their pockets. Unless of course…. you’re a … [in an sarcastic inquisitive tone] boomer”?”

Jerry: [In a defensive tone] I am not a boomer!”

[Conversation is broken up when Jerry’s apartment door opens]

[Elaine enters]

[Clapping and laugh track plays]

Elaine: [throwing backpack on kitchen counter] Hey [in a dejected tone]”

Jerry: [Detecting Elaine’s dejected moon] Hey, what’s with you?”

Elaine: I probably need to start looking for a new job soon.”

George: What happened, did Peterman let you go?”

Elaine: No, The Catalog is hemorrhaging money, no one is buying anything. The warehouses are still filled with stuff from last season.”

Jerry: Is high fashion too low nowadays?”

Elaine: It’s the work-from-home thing! No one wants to strut in boots to hike up Machu Picchu while in your pajamas. Everyone wants to dress like… [glances at Kramer] …well like a him.

[Kramer amusingly grins]

Kramer: Well… I practically invented the work from home trend.”

George: I’m loving this work from home, I can nap, eat, and watch TV, any time I want.

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