Seltzer ranked

What is this guide for?

This guide started as a document to remind myself which seltzer brands were good and to parse through those thoughts. I found myself buying the same brand and flavor, and this guide helped me break out of that.

Key

Rating Description
πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ This is subpar!
πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ I’ll deal with it
πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ It’s okay
πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ Not a thirst trap
πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§ Holy water at this point

β€”

Seltzer brand ratings

Brand Bubbles Variety Consistency Availability Taste Overall Notes
LaCroix πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ More like LaButt
Polar
Seagram’s πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ
Spindrift πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ We don’t talk about them here.
Vintage
Voss πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ Influenced by influencers to not drink this.

Seltzer ratings

Brand Flavor Packaging Bubbles Taste Mouth feel Kick Overall Notes
LaCroix Lemon Aluminum πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ Puddle of dud
LaCroix LimonCello Aluminum πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ Vanilla coke imposter!
Polar Ginger lime mule Plastic πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ Literally ginger ale
Polar Lemon Aluminum πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ Better than any LaCroix lemon-flavored seltzer
Seagram’s Original Bottle πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ Basic can be good
Seagram’s Black cherry Bottle πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ A nice kick to the mouth
Seagram’s Lime Bottle πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ Strange tingle that is too lime-y
Seagram’s Orange Bottle πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺ Your weird sibling
Spindrift Lemon Aluminum πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ πŸ’§β–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺβ–ͺ I’d rather bathe in the Gowanus Canal
Voss Sparkling artesian water Glass πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ️β–ͺ️β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ️β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ️β–ͺ️β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ️β–ͺ️β–ͺ πŸ’§πŸ’§β–ͺ️β–ͺ️β–ͺ This is just water